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| Its been, years...I think. And God knows I've been through hell and then back again.
Last night, I was suffering from an intense attack of OCD. I wasn't getting anything done. In fact, the more I tried, the more fixated I was on the smallest of things. It angered me, frustrated me and exhausted me.
Then, I decided to 'relieve myself' somehow.
In the past, trying to alleviate stress brought me to many dark places and introduced me to a whole world shrouded in half truths and whole lies. I think that's part of the reason why I hadn't come back here to xanga in a long time. Everything that I had to say - all the inspiration that had been flowing so readily onto journalling - had dried up.
Having learned from lessons past, I went and googled myself (HAHA). I kid you not, I googled myself. Okay, not myself - axcvilla - the username I had even before aga_xris since I was 12. And lo and behold, I found myself back to my xanga. For the next 3 - 4 hours, all my obsession was focused on reading back as many posts as possible - including comments.
I was amazed. Wow. I used to sound really mature. Did I write that?
A bittersweet smile, graced my lips as I leafed through the pages of years past. And finally, the spell was broken.
Xanga did great things for me. I think, I just might come back again.
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| I don't know why but my devotions and even the sermons I have heard recently have all been about David and while I find it a curious event indeed, I smile because I can hear what God is telling me.
He's reminding me the sufficiency of His strength - His faithfulness - His trustworthiness in carrying out his promises and His words. Such that, I need not be afraid of what comes in the future because He has delivered me many times "from the paw of the lion... of the bear". Because of this, I can have the assurance that as long as I remain in obedience to Him, He will deliver me from my tribulations and will help me slay my Goliath's.
He is reminding me of the consequences of sin - that it is not a 'one-off' thing - sort of like karma. It is not an eye for an eye - the price, the consequence is unimaginable - the repercussions are not limited only to my own life but that of those that live around me - my family, my friends... And while God is a God of love, He is a God of Justice - He will forgive, but He will not exempt me from the consequences of my own decisions.
Finally, God is reminding me that what makes a man a "David" - a 'man after God's own heart' is not merely the sum of one's good times and not even a differential from that of my bad times. It is a heart that is sincere and repentant - that seeks to follow God regardless of opinion, regardless of pride, regardless...
David, shepherd boy, musician, warrior, king, liar, adulterer, murderer, bad father - a man of many talents, a man of many faults.... and yet, He was heralded a man of faith. Perhaps there is hope for us all...
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| Many of you have heard me say, I got
saved when I was 13 and the following year was the biggest spiritual smorgasbord
of my life. It was during that time that I first experienced what it meant to “have
life and have it more abundantly” and with that overflow of life came wonderful
days – my years of plenty.
As I matured in my walk with God, I came
to discover the gifts God had given me – a passion for ministry, a love for
praise and worship and ‘talents’ to hone and use. I found that through writing,
I could encourage others to follow Christ. In addition, I realized that I
belonged to a family and a community who loved me dearly, where I could be open
and involved with people I could trust and love. But as surely as my years of
plenty had enriched my life, the years of hunger began to strip me bare.
Where I once met success, I found
defeat. My passions waned and my convictions became complacent. I saw my ‘sanctuary’
shaken, my confidences broken, my family and community torn. Slowly, ministry
became a chore, singing – a performance, writing – uninspired and the notion of
family and true community – nothing more than a childish fantasy.
At first, I had convinced myself that God
had a reason for all this but soon, even that resolve waned. I grew bitter and
angry and finally I stopped trying to understand and left. Seasons went by and
I was no better. But just when I thought I was about to die – I caught a whiff
of something I had almost forgotten – a call to return.
So, I retraced my steps to where I had
lost my way, where I had allowed myself to lose sight of Him and there I found,
to my greatest joy and my greatest dismay, He had never withheld His hand from
me, it was I that I withheld my hand from Him.
Ironically, this week marks the near
completion of my detox. For over 10 days, I have lived each day without any
other taste but that of lemon, water, maple, cayenne pepper and green tea.
Halfway, I nearly quit but not unlike my time in the wilderness, I found the
resolve to continue.
My years of hunger are not over yet, I
believe. But instead of despairing over things that I do not have, I rejoice in
the things that I am not without. I offered to write an article for the Pastor’s
corner in lieu of my father’s absence because I felt that I had been given a
renewed confidence, not in my abilities, but in His provision. Thus, even now,
after all that I have gained and lost, I stand with a new vision - I am no
better with or without, as long as I have Him, I have everything that I need.
So, I encourage all of you today, not to
rely on the bread of our yesterdays - because yesterday’s bread satisfied us
yesterday, tomorrow we will need ‘new bread’ to live on. Just as fasting gives
us the opportunity to discipline our bodies to not rely on the physical means
to satisfy our needs, God wants to wean us off the need for prosperity and
success; and to realize our sufficiency in Him.
Times
of less, times of more…We are no richer, nor poorer
For
He that gives, He that takes away…Yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever…
He
is the same. | | |
| Today, I woke up and made an important decision.
Tomorrow, I'm going to start breaking the fast. *big sigh*
It feels like I'm letting myself down because I'd poised myself to go on this fast for at least 10 days before going onto the 'breaking the fast' stage. This would've meant 10 days fast and 4 days of breaking the fast. However, I missed out some variables in my planning of this fast and so the circumstances are not all as favourable as I once thought.
The past few days have not been easy, they've been arduous and I believe that they've taken toll on my concentration, energy and consequently, my studying - which I am getting rather concerned about.
I'm going to have two exams by the end of the month - on the 27th and the 28th on two of the hardest subjects I have undertaken for my bachelor degree in language studies. Those two - EL320: Grammar in Context and A332: Stylistics and Discourse Analysis, have been the bane of my existences since I started them and I'm kinda scared that I might not do well for the exam.
I keep on telling myself, there's still time... but I keep on reminding myself that - on the pace that you're going, you won't have any time. Add to that that I have an assignment due for EL300 - The Art of English due on the 29th and you'll have an idea of what I'm going through with regards to scholastic work right now.
Which brings us back to why I'm breaking my fast halfway through the race.
I decided to break it because I keep on thinking about food, all the time, while I'm doing anything, all I can think of is food and how it smells, how it tastes like, how it feels in your mouth - and to tell you the truth, its doing crazy things to my mind! So yeah, I'll cut myself some slack and swallow my pride. I didn't finish THIS TIME. But there will be a next time anyway. So yeah.
I was rather surprised that there's still people in xanga but was it was a rather pleasant surprise nonetheless...
Give me some love people!
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| Words cannot express how much I want to eat right now.
Thing is, I'm not even sure that it was this hard to stand the hunger the first and last time I went through this. I cannot imagine that I still have to go for 8 more days before I can taste anything other than the lemonade and the teas (provided that the teas do give me what I need in terms of taste variety). Still, I think that I was on the verge of insanity every time I heard (worse), smelled whatever my brother was preparing for himself for breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack. It was just horrible.
Sigh.
The things we do.
Anyhow, this blog entry is somewhat of a return form since I haven't written an entry in over a year. It took me that long before I could come back here - to the place where I believe there are things to be said.
Xanga isn't what it used to be. I'd be surprised if any of my friends are still around - blogging. The past year, I've scraped through with my little facebook account - keeping in touch with a couple of friends. However, I never went back to my writing - which may have been why 2007-2008 was a very quiet literary year. No loss really, I didn't have anything to write.
Oh, well spring of creative thought, why did you have to dry up like that?
Regardless, I'm back now and I believe that I just might blog more often especially since I haven't much things to do. I'm currently just busy trying to keep my mind on these things:
1.) My upcoming exams (Although I haven't really gotten around to making my reviewers yet)
2.) Getting this assignment done so that I can go on and study for my exams with no worries.
3.) Focusing my energy on not thinking about food (Although watching my favourite cooking shows isn't helping).
As an ending to this, I just want to say.
I'm back!
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